It’s been about four months since I’ve written due to the fact that I felt like a fraud and avoided writing about this topic for that very reason. Even though I’ve been able to help so many people with their love lives, I was unhappy and sick in my marriage no matter what we tried and we tried the best of the best trainings, books, webinars, had an amazing counselor, who even pointed out that we just weren’t compatible. The hard part was that I love my husband and I know he loves me.
I asked for a dream as to why my body had so many chronic ailments and what could we do to make the marriage work, even though I’d been eating really well, had regular healing treatments and was on Chinese herbs. I’d recently had tests done where it showed up that I had chronic bacteria infection in my system which was stealing all of my nutrients. These bacteria can stem from our food, but also energetically from holding secrets. I did have a secret: I didn’t feel safe with my husband no matter how much I tried to convey what I needed.
I had a dream right before the holidays where my husband and I were in the bed sleeping. I saw a large selenite crystal sticking out from the headboard coming out of the wall. It was right between us. When I awoke, I absolutely knew that spirit was trying to give me a message as selenite is related with the higher realms. Selenite is also a cleansing stone so I felt like we or I was needing to be cleansed. Although I sensed these things, I knew there was something more and I didn’t want to check into it. Part of me wanted to pretend everything was ok. Throughout the days and months that followed, the dream haunted me as dreams do when it’s a message from our soul. Still, I became busy and avoided it like the plague.
At the same time, I’d been avoiding the call to go deeper with my spiritual practices. I’d been avoiding it because my husband abruptly stopped his spiritual practices a few years ago. In a previous marriage, I had learned Reiki and went deep into meditation and spiritual journeys, which had me grow exponentially faster than my husband. He had no spiritual practices at all and eventually left the marriage saying I’m a completely different person. I was. I remember when he was leaving I said, “I just want someone to grow with. Don’t you want to grow?” He said, “No. I don’t want to grow.” Shocked, in that moment I knew it was over. So you can understand my avoidance to go deeper with my spiritual practices in my current marriage. Nevertheless, I felt this calling to meditate more and go to group meditations. In one of the meditations I received an image of me leading a meditation retreat. I’ve lead Reiki and dream healing retreats, but not one solely for meditating. I found a place and put a deposit on the rooms. Now I really had to go deeper with my spiritual practices as I consider myself a high integrity healer and leader.
I was guided to practice a new healing technique with Reiki called the Healing Code by Alexander Loyd and could feel myself getting stronger. During my meditations I would ask my body what it needed to heal. On three different occasions I received the message that I was ill due to trying to make myself be with this man. I didn’t like that answer as I’d not planned to get another divorce. I’d written a book on Finding Your Extraordinary Love, for Pete’s sake. My husband is even creating a company around teaching material on having successful partnerships. People so often said they can’t wait to have a relationship like ours. Oh, that human ego. I had this fear of what it would mean for me to have another failed marriage.
The selenite dream still haunted me so I became still and received the message that it’s time for me to move on. It felt like spirit was coming between my husband and I to intervene on both of our behaves. I didn’t want to as I still love him. In my training with Alison Armstrong, I have learned that love is not enough, but the heart has a hard time believing that. I’d only ever broken up with someone out of anger, which to me was easier to initiate. I didn’t want to hurt my husband, nor did I know if I could afford a place on my own as I’d been suffering financially due to my health deteriorating. I’d barely been scraping by to pay for the bills, my treatments, food and supplements that were keeping me functioning.
I’d decided to ask for help from spirit and give me a sign that it was time to end the marriage. My husband all of a sudden became very mean and distant. I’d pointed it out and he would apologize, but it startled me each time. It’s almost like I didn’t know him. I’d realized I’d actually been distancing myself from him for years too. Men are intuitive and he could feel that. His treatment of me became worse and I received guidance that he had reached his limit to where he was going on his spiritual path and that he can’t come with me. I also realized I won’t heal being in this marriage as the daily stress of making myself stay was killing me. With this knowing I cried for two days straight. I told him I just wasn’t peaceful or well in the marriage and he said, “Wow, maybe I’m the one making you sick. Are we going to work on it or?” I absolutely knew we’d worked on it enough and didn’t want to bang my head against the wall any longer. I took a stand for my health, for him and for all the people I serve. I let him know I was going to move out. He also said we should have done this five years ago. Although he was angry and sad, he didn’t fight me on it, which made it a little less stressful as I knew he had also been suffering in the marriage.” I asked spirit to lead the way.
Once I’d made the decision to leave, the perfect place opened up for me and I kid you not that the owner of the property said, “I’m looking for a person who would like to live here to heal and deepen their spiritual practice.” What’s even more serendipitous is that the property is five minutes away from the retreat location I put the deposit on. I’ve not slept this well, felt this peaceful in years and I’m already off of five of my supplements and thyroid medication.
