Have you ever had the thought that you love your partner more that he loves you? Have you ever been frustrated that you need more affection than your partner?
I was frustrated because I crave my partner’s touch so much that I feel like I need more affection than him, which had me make the belief, because we do that sometimes, that I love him more than he loves me. Each morning we would wake up and my pattern had been that I reach out for cuddles each morning. This one morning I had been lying there wondering if he was trying to fall back to sleep, therefore not wanting to disturb his sleep by reaching out, as I know he needs his sleep. I also didn’t want to be the only one initiating cuddles. So I started making up stories of why he didn’t want to cuddle with me. Part of me thought that he doesn’t want to wake me. Part of me thought he’s not attracted to me like I am to him. Part of me felt like chopped liver to him, which hurt. Our thoughts can create our mood, even if they aren’t the truth. Part of me thought he only wants affection when he wants sex which was how it was in my last marriage. I wondered if all guys were like this. Can you see how starting off the day indulging in made up scenarios could ruin what could be the best day of your life?
Then I thought maybe he IS attracted to me and there IS a good reason why he’s all the way over there on the other side of the bed every morning. So I decided to ask him because soon the alarm would go off and he’d begin to go about his activities before work, which would have him be gone for quite a while. I said, “Can I ask you a question?” He said, “Yes.” I didn’t want to accuse him of anything or to come across as a complaint because I know from my training with Understandmen.com, that complaints to men sound like nails on a chalkboard. So instead of saying why don’t you ever want cuddles? Or why aren’t you attracted to me like I am to you? Or why do you only cuddle me when you want sex? Those would be accusatory and could create a gap between two people. But it might be normally what a woman might say being upset with because of the frustration and hurt feelings from what she may have made up in her head. Instead I asked with the tone of curiosity, “Do you only need cuddles when you want sex?” He said, “No.” Then rolled over to cuddle me. Then I did something very brave. I’m so happy I was able to muster up the courage to get the clarification I needed instead of staying in the upset that could’ve ruined my day.
I outed my made up stories that I was making up in my head. I said, “Oh, ok. I was making up stories in my head that I am chopped liver to you and that you don’t want to touch me because you don’t think I am sexy.” I also said, “I didn’t want to be the only one initiating cuddles and I also didn’t want to wake you if you were trying to sleep.” He said, “You’re so sexy. I assumed that if you were quiet in bed that you were trying to sleep and I know that you’re easily awakened by touch so I try not to disturb you.” Then he asked me, “Do you think I only want you for sex?” I said, “No, but my mind was starting to take me there.” He said, “Ok, good, because I’m here to spend the rest of my life with you.”
